Thursday, 23 February 2012

A big blue flu blur

I was ill for the best part of last week. It was so bad that I can’t remember most of it. I can’t even remember when was the last time I was so ill. I spent my days lying in bed, trying in vain to open my eyes or move or focus for a minute. It’s all a big blur. And for some reason it’s blue. The blur I mean. When I look back now that I’m feeling better, I see the blur as being blue in colour. I always associate things with colours – places I’ve been, people I’ve met, books I’ve read, films I’ve seen. I forget very easily; most of the time I don’t remember film or book endings or directions or people’s names. But I remember colours and I remember how they made me feel.
I guess it’s true then, that you may forget what somebody said or did but you’ll never forget how they made you feel. For me, it’s the greatest truth in the world. It defines my life.
Anyway, getting a bit off topic. My point is that I felt so ill, so weak and helpless for so long, that I forgot what the world outside my house looked like. Or what it felt like to drive a car – when I drove for the first time after the illness, it felt somehow surreal and unnatural, like I was gliding instead of driving. I also forgot what time and day it was, and even worse – what time and day Glee was on. But what’s most shocking is that I forgot how to write.
 I sat in front of the empty Word document, stared at it for half an hour, then turned off the laptop. What was wrong with me? Sick for a week and I forgot how to write a single sentence. Not good.
I read a lot though. And the more I read, the more convinced I became that everything else written by somebody else was much better that anything I have ever written. And it’s not like I have just now started reading and realized it. I have always been a big reader, and although those thoughts were creeping up in my head from time to time, I always managed to get rid of them. Now, however, they seemed like they were here to stay.
I got really depressed for a few days. I didn’t know if it was because of my illness, or because I hadn’t fully recovered yet and needed to give myself a break and relax a little until I felt fully myself again.
I’m pretty much back to normal now. I can’t believe how tough a simple flu was to get over – mentally, physically and emotionally. So, take a piece of advice from somebody who’s been there already – if you see someone sneeze, cough or blow their nose in any close proximity – run! As fast as you can. And after you’ve put a considerable amount of distance between you and them, disinfect your whole body, drink all the vitamins you can find and pray for the best. And arm yourself with Dettol spray for the next sneezing flu trap you encounter.

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